<<Gerald Bridgeman>> he said, shaking vigorously. <<Your lawyer. From Wagenaar and Associates.>>
<<I didn't ask for a lawyer>> Brett Weir said. He had been ambushed at the prison gate.
<<Your girlfriend hired me.>>
<<My wife? Oh, Cheung Li.>> He smiled diabolically, appraised the Milan suit. <<You doing her?>>
<<What?>> Brugmans said, stunned.
Brett Weir laughed, the first time since threatening China to a match of nuclear ping-pong. <<Oh, nothing, don't worry about it. I like you. Give me a call when you finish law school.>>
He started walking but Brugmans chased after him and said, with a negotiable degree of offence: <<I'm 29 years old; I've been working on the bench for three years. I'll be frank with you: I have an interest in this case. This is an area I've specialised in.>>
Now it was Brett Weir's turn to be taken aback. <<What?>> he said. <<You specialise in prank telephone calls?>>
Brugmans shook his head, vigorously. He shook it. <<No, not prank calls, I specialize in civil liberties. I'll be honest: I don't particularly like what you do, but I'm willing to fight to the end to defend your right to do it.>>
Brett Weir looked around him, thought it over for a second. <<Well>> he said <<if Cheung Li put you up it. Anyway, how is she?>>
BRUGMANS' OFFICE WAS THE TYPICAL LEGAL DEAL: piles of books on the shelves and mahogany furniture. Brett and Phillip Doof sat in padded leather chairs smoking Cuban cigars and chatting about old times. They'd made themselves at home in Brugmans' office, smoking cigars and talking about the past. Brugmans was on the other side of the desk in a hands-free conversation with what could be best described a disgruntled client. Lucky it was hands-free because he needed both hands to gesticulate as he pleaded for another chance. Finally he slammed down the phone and swore, softly. He swore under his breath.
<<Was that guy bugging you?>> Brett asked.
<<We could sort him out if he's too much trouble>> Phillip Doof said.
<<You guys can't>> Brugmans said <<do squat; you're on bail, remember. Sorry about the interruption. Er, we were talking strategy. I'll be honest with you, guys: the Government of the United States of America has decided to make an example out of you two. We've got to work out how we are going to respond to that.>>
<<Well, that's the thing>> Brett said. <<Why have they decided to make an example out of us? We're just a couple of goofy kids who started having fun on the phone lines.>>
<<The Government wants to make an example out of you because the media made an example out of you, the kids of America made an example out of you. You turned prank calls into a epidemic. The Government doesn't like that. And besides, you nearly started World War III.>>
<<It was just meant to be a laugh>> Phillip Doof said, and Brett giggled as he remembered it.
<<Anyway, the nuisance call thing is nothing; what we've really got to worry about is this sedition charge. I have to ask you, gentlemen, I have to ask you again: do you have any links with revolutionary or paramilitary organisations?>>
<<No>> Brett Weir said; <<Of course not>> Phillip Doof said. <<What kind of question is that?>>
<<I had to ask>> Brugmans said. <<In that case, this is a bullshit charge. Now, when the case begins they are going to put you up on the stand to ask you your motives in these incidents, they're going to put you under oath. We're going to have to clarify now what these motives are, to build a defense around them...>>
As Brugmans launched off Brett took the opportunity to remove his coat, which he slumped over the table covering the hands-free phone. He then put his hand under the coat and grabbed the phone and spirited it into his lap. He quietly hit the redial button, waited for the gruff: <<Yeah, who is it?>> As Brugmans continued his long discourse on the legal process Brett Weir unloosened his trousers, shoved the phone inside, took a deep breath and let rip with the fart of his career.
<<Jesus Christ>> Brugmans said, fanning his face with a notepad. <<With all due respect, guys, you're looking down the barrel of a 25-year sentence here. This is serious. We've got to decide the angle of our defense.>>
Phillip Doof said: <<Well, did you have any ideas?>>
<<Let's make it a constitutional issue>> Brugmans said. <<The First Amendment.>>
<<Oh>> Brett said, handing Brugmans the phone <<it's for you. It's that disgruntled client you were talking to.>>
A GREEN-EYELINED WOMAN IN A VERSACE SUIT turned towards the camera and said:
<<New York Central Court, and the trial of America's two most notorious pranksters, Phillip Doof and Brett Weir, is about to begin. Doof and Weir stand accused of nearly 30 charges including sedition...>>
<<Ladies and gentlemen>> prosecutor Arnold Ongaro told the jury <<some of you here may feel this is just a harmless case of monkey-business, a bit of horseplay by two men who should know better. Doubtless this is what the defense will try to lead you to believe. I want to present you another motive for these men's antics: social sabotage.>>
Some time later Gustav Brugmans stood up and tapped a pile of CD-ROMs on his desk. <<Your Honour, I want to submit to the jury a number of titles including Orson Welles' radio play of The War of the Worlds, Beverly Hills Cop and episodes of The Chucky Poong Show...>>
<<Objection>> Ongaro said.
<<Sustained>> Judge Wayne Georgievski said. This is how it happened.
<<What?>> Brugmans said. He couldn't believe it. <<Your Honour, these exhibits represent community standards on the acceptance of subversive entertainment...>>
<<The jury is here to represent community standards, not a pile of CD-ROMs. I won't accept them as exhibits in my court.>>
Brugmans puffed his cheeks up, he turned red in the face, he was about to say something but he swallowed his pride and said instead: <<As you wish, Your Honour.>>
Then Brett Weir was called to take the stand. Arnold Ongaro paced around him and said: <<Why did you make a prank phone call to the Premier of China on the night of Halloween 2012, thereby precipitating an international crisis which gravely embarrassed the Government of the United States of America?>>
<<Your Honour>> Brett Weir said <<I want to answer by explaining a little theory I have about comedy. It's like this. You watch a sit-com or go see a stand-up comic, you sit and wait for the gags and if the gags are good, if they fit the mould of what society says is funny, you laugh; if the gags aren't funny you say it sucks. That's not comedy, that's social pacification. That's taking something which might have been funny 50 years ago and putting it in a safe environment where everyone knows what to expect. In my comedy routines I prefer something a little more spontaneous. By taking comedy out of its safe environment, by giving it an unconventional delivery - such as a prank telephone call - comedy reclaims its original edge, it avoids the insipid mediocrity of the stand-up comic or network sit-com.>>
<<So you think it's justifiable to phone someone at home - in this case it was the Premier of China - and cause them serious personal concern just for the sake of being funny? I can assure you, Mr Weir, the Premier wasn't laughing.>>
<<It's not my fault the dude doesn't have a sense of humour>> Brett Weir said.
<<No further questions>> Ongaro said.
BRETT WEIR PUNCHED THE COOK BUTTON ON HIS microwave and settled into another couched evening in front of the TV (alone). He was watching video-taped news reports of the case: tonight most of them dealt with the deepening plight of the defense. It was into the fourth week of the hearing and the jury was expected to hand down its verdict any day. Brugmans had persevered with his free speech policy but it simply wasn't working. The judge was against them, the prosecutor seemed to have succeeded in depicting Doof and himself as virtual terrorists... Brett liked the reputation but he didn't want to go to jail for it. But of course, none of it meant anything without Cheung Li. He was already in prison. Reaching for another video from the sexcapade file, Brett Weir settled into another couched evening in front of the TV (alone).
<<COMEDY LIES AT THE HEART OF THIS NATION, it truly has played a role in shaping this glorious and free society we now all enjoy>> Brugmans said. <<Ladies and gentlemen, before you adjourn to decide your verdict please take some time to consider the precedents your decision will set. This is a case which will have deep and far-reaching implications on American life. Because if you say comedy is this and punish certain actions which deviate from that standard, before too long anything which deviates from that standard will be punished, and one day you might wake up to find to can't make a joke about the government or the state of the economy without running the risk of going to jail.>>
Phillip Doof and Brett Weir decided to adjourn to an Italian eatery a few blocks from the courthouse; there were only a few media types looking in through the windows. The jury was expected to take about two weeks to make their decision, but Doof and Weir were already resigning themselves to a long stay indoors. <<Hopeless>> Doof said, flinging a spoon of pasta across the restaurant (CBS caught some footage of that). <<It's altogether unfavourable>> Weir replied.
<<You know what: even if we got out of this stinking sedition charge, I'd still give up prank phone calls>> Doof said. <<What's the fucking point: everyone's got too many hang-ups these days to enjoy good in-you-face humour. This world's going to the dogs.>>
<<Yeah, I hear you turkey>> Brett Weir said. <<I hear you.>> He opened a copy of the Constitution Brugmans had given him in the early days of the defence, was about to joke about the futility of the First Amendment when he noticed something comic in the Second. <<Maybe it's not too late to change our defense angle>> he said. <<How about this one: "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.>>
<<I hear you>> Phillip Doof said.
Doof and Weir were cleared of all charges late yesterday afternoon after defense lawyer Gerald Brugmans convinced the jury their prank telephone calls were the justifiable actions of a private militia.
Brugmans successfully argued that telephone were weapons and that the right to make prank phone calls was sanctioned by the Second Amendment of the Constitution.
Doof and Weir's prank telephone call to China was a militia-generated attack on the Government of the United States, Brugmans argued.
Words are just as powerful as bullets... just as lethal too.
The acquittal came only three days after Brugmans called for a re-trial of the controversial Doof and Weir case.
In the earlier trial Brugmans had argued Doof and Weir's imprisonment would breach the Consitution's free speech guarantees.
The defence decided to change its approach after learning the jury was going to vote in favour of the prosecution.
Last night presidential spokeswoman? Marlene Wainwright described the court's decision as ludicrous.
<<From now on every crackpot's going to be performing delinquent acts and saying it's justifiable to do so because of this court's interpretation of the Second Amendment>> Ms Wainwright said.
<<We're going to fight this in the Supreme Court.>>
